Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Happiness

I am happy. Happiness isn't what I always pictured it to look like. I am alone, I am curvy with a capital C, my acne is still somewhat apparent, my hair is still greasy and full of dandruff. Happiness for me has come in the realization there will always be something to change, or improve, an imperfection, if there is not I will be dead. It is just a fact of life. So I might as well enjoy, and find beauty in the imperfect as it is guaranteed to be a constant part of my existence. The image of happiness that we are feed as children are fairy tales. That once you obtain a certain thing (a prince/ your castle to lead your kingdom from) you will be happy. It is just a given- my young impressionable eyes read 'and they live happily ever after'. This leaves young children growing into awkward pre-teens very vulnerable to society's projected model of happiness. Which is that once you obtain perfect skin/ silky hair/ a bikini body, your life will be perfect and you will be happy. The reason I believe that it is so fucking easy to fall into the trap of believing in this spoon feed model of happiness is that, the concept is not foreign to us. It is proven that our body's remember what brings us joy (and equally what brings us pain). So the idea of thing= happiness reminds us subconsciously of that lovely fairy tale that we used to re-enact with our childhood friends (being the bossy darling child that i was, playing the princess). Therefore it seems only fair and fitting that to be the princess again I just have to obtain perfect skin, hair, and body then hey presto I become a real life princess. BULLSHIT! It has taken me all of my horrible years at high school to work my way through different states of mind in relation to the happiness rules society lays out for us; play by the rules, put my middle finger up to the rules, tell the rules that I didn't mean it and that I will buy the latest workout dvd/ cleanser/ shampoo and fully re-commit to perfection to make it up to them. The hardest thing which makes it impossible to fully commit to loving or hating the rules is that I do care about how I look, and I do want to feel comfortable in my skin. But after studying this industry for years (through participation, devouring magazines, stalking celebrates on the internet, and believing in it) it has become apparent that there is no way out. They have got you buying face creams to hide your zits, eye creams to prevent ageing, then when (oh fuck) you do get older lets just cut open your skull and start pulling at the unruly skin that refuses to lay flat. STOP! I am done, I am so fucking done. I have spent the past four years hating myself, seeing every zit, flake of dandruff, jiggle of fat, as a sign of failure and that I was being a women wrong. I refuse to spend the next 40 years hating myself.

-Jessie

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Being Alone

I have always ran from being alone. If anyone ever asked me what I've been up to I would always make sure that I had multiple examples of situations in which other human beings had in been in my company (FYI not talking about sex, just like watching movies or skipping in circles). To really make the point that people weren't repulsed by me I would give examples of hanging out with the same person on more then one occasion. Making it sound like I am just the busiest, the kind of person who needs to check their overflowing schedule before confirming a plan. That is utter bullshit. And I think more highly of the people I have been friends with to actually believe the crap I would say. But then I have noticed as I have gotten a little closer to being a grown up, that everybody else is so engrossed in their own lives that nobody really gives a shit about how popular someone else appears to be (I swear I would have given a million dollars and my first born child to have known that at 14).

Flash forward to the present moment and due to a series of unpredictable life events, I had to drop out of school, and subsequently spend a lot of time ALONE at my house by myself... AND it has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me EVER! I had no idea how tiring it was to have this constant nagging in the back of my head telling me that something I do isn't valid unless someone else is their to justify the story later. It is the most freeing, amazing, worth while thing I have ever done in my entire life! Becoming friends with myself. Not in an imaginary friend way but like an actual friend who can tell you that your acne really is looking better, or high five you after a crazy two minute dance party (1- I have two hands and 2- with the kinda energy/ enthusiasm that goes into my dancing it would physically impossible to jump around for more than two minutes) (unless I was superwomen) (I am sadly not superwomen)

Conclusion spend a minute alone. Like really alone without plans or worrying about having plans. It is fucking MAGICAL. Now I am going to ride off into the sunset on my rainbow unicorn. ALONE. I feel like Katy Perry at the end of her wide awake video <3 (before she goes on stage and starts singing)

-Jessie

Friday, 19 April 2013

Marriage Equality in NZ!

I will never not be proud that this is my country, these are my people and this is one of our right-wing politicians.


It's a good day today.

Elle x

Monday, 15 April 2013

The Wizarding World of My Childhood

So this week I've been in Orlando, Florida with my family on holiday going to the theme parks. The idea for this trip started about a year and a half ago when the final Harry Potter film came out. The book and movie series was something that guided me since I was 7, it was something I looked forward to, aspired to, and that inspired me to be a better version of myself. So, of course, when the last movie, the last ever thing I would see of Harry Potter was over I was wrecked. But more than I expected, because, as I came to realise, Harry Potter was my childhood. It was there from when I was seven and it was ending a few weeks after my 16th birthday. And that was hard.
So to console the heartbroken, sobbing mess that was me for a solid week my parents, who'd always wanted to take me and my sister on a big adventure, suggested going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Well that perked me up a little, not just going there but going on an awesome trip with my family. Soon New York, Washington, Chicago and a whole load of other places on the East Coast and thereabouts got added, and the sinking in my gut went away.
So a few days ago there I was, walking around Hogsmeade, strolling through Hogwarts, drinking butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. And while it was brilliant, I loved going to Ollivanders, chatting with a 'witch', and buying chocolate frogs at Honeydukes, it felt kinda, empty. It was a theme park, an awesome one, but just a theme park. Like the best thing about it was being there was being around people who loved the same thing I loved, rather than the place itself, which, if you think about it, is what makes a place great in the first place.
What I realised was that this wasn't the place that I would go to to return Harry Potter world. That place is still caught between the pages of my books, the scenes I have memorized word for word, and things places like libraries and Leaky con (which I really want to go to one day). It makes me want to go see real Scottish castles and small towns, to learn about history, and be a good person, and that's never going to go away. I'm never going to 'grow up' out of that.

Elle x

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Disneyland!

I know it's totally consumerist and Hollywood and not indie and artsy at all but I freakin love Disneyland. It's just sorta the most magical thing ever.
Like the first time you go you're just like, yup, okay this'll be okay, go on some rides, see some parades etc.
But then you go and it's like so pretty and clean and perfect and the attention to detail is amazing. Like a backstreet facade that almost no one goes by having singing coming out of the windows because 'music lessons' is written on the outside.
I just love it so much. All the 'cast members' commit to it so much that as a teenage girl wearing minnie mouse ears waving super enthusiastically at Peter Pan you don't feel like an idiot.

So in case you couldn't tell I went to Disneyland today. The night parade was amazing, and the whole day filled me with the kind of happiness that I get less and less of as I get older. And yes it costs loads and it's all fake and I should grow up. But i don't care. I like it.

Elle x

Monday, 8 April 2013

All The Little Lights

So a whirlwind visit to San Francisco and I think my favourite moment was finding Joseph Conrad park down the road from my hotel.
Tiny and beautiful, it was a pocket of nature and stillness in the bustling construction and Alcatraz t-shirt stalls. We came across it at night on our way back from dinner a candlelit dinner on the wharf, and it was kind of magical.





I'm now sitting in 80 degree heat in Orlando, a continent away, or a five hour flight. Life is weird. 

So excited for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter tomorrow! 

Elle x

Monday, 1 April 2013

Oz the sweet and colourful

Soooo yesterday I went to see this lovely movie!
It was more and less than I expected. It was cute and bright and magical, but it also managed to avoid being patronising and annoying with it's message (cause of course it has a message, it's a Disney film). It also has a lot in it for people over the age of 12, which I wasn't expecting after I walked into the theatre and saw all the good seats (!) occupied by primary schoolers. It's got grit, and darkness, and Oz isn't always that likeable, a real, flawed character that you don't usually find in Disney films, (not that I'm complaining, but it is true). But it also keeps that lovely sheen of possibility and wonder that make films like this classics. Really awesome. Two thumbs up :)

Elle